A couple of weeks ago something ate a 2" hole in a papaya ripening in the dining room. Mother insisted it was the house gecko. A few days later something ate through a plastic bread bag and ate about a 1" hole in a loaf of Portuguese Sweet Bread. "Surely," said Mother, "a mouse would need a bigger hole than that! It must be the gecko." On Sunday morning she caught sight of Mr. Mystery, trying to escape out the front door. Mr. Mystery is not a gecko. He is a rat.
Off to Long's we went for a rat trap -- the traditional wooden platform with a metal spring. Mr. Rat turned his nose up at the potato chip on Sunday night. Last night he ate the papaya, sprung the trap, and left. This morning while vaccuuming I found rat droppings and chewed up carpet behind my father's chair. Back to Long's, this time for an environmentally correct sticky trap. Rat is supposed to get his feet stuck in the glue. Just what I need before breakfast. A live, unhappy rat that needs to find a new home outdoors. If that fails, we go for the big guns -- poison bait.
We had an appointment at my mother's preferred residential facility for next Monday. No can do. It's yard man day, and she works with him in the yard while he is here. Can't do the following Monday, Daddy has a doctor's appointment. And their part-time helper starts that day. She doesn't want to do it at all. Now she thinks maybe she wants something in town since their doctors are all in town. Never mind that their primary care physician says he has patients at Pohai Nani and would probably see them there. She says, "We shouldn't be do the assessment now, anyway. If we don't go for six months, everything will have changed." I opined that they should just do it and get it over with, they can always say "No, thank you." if they decide to do something else. She figuratively threw up her hands, and literally said, clearly exasperated, "Well, do what you want to do."
Today I am in disfavor. Breakfast was OK. She spent most of the morning at the ironing board. For lunch she mixed up some chicken and mayonnaise, but announced that she couldn't stand up any longer. If anyone wanted a sandwich they would have to make it themselves. The only thing on the dinner menu that I considered edible was the salad. I had been warned in advance about the beets, so bought myself some peas -- which she has served once in the last year. She put peppers on her's and Daddy's fish, but none on mine, thank goodness. Had to make up some tartar sauce -- the fish had been too long in the freezer. She is unhappy that we are pushing this residential care assessment . She is unhappy that Ian has ordered a new, fancy walker for our dad. She says, "I don't know why he needs a walker that he can't open and can't lift. How much is it going to cost?" Conveniently, I didn't order it. Even if I had, I would not have asked the cost. If it's a needed piece of durable medical equipment, I just buy and figure out later how to pay the bill. In this case, I think insurace pays the bill. She is unhappy that her hip hurts.
Ray adored my mother. But when I got in moods like this he used to say, "You're sounding just like your mother!" That was usually enough to get me headed in a more pleasant direction.
Look for the silver lining. Give thanks. Keep praying!!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Critical Mass
Whole Foods Markets have arrived in Hawaii. Today they opened their first store, in our neighborhood mall, replacing the locally-owned market that opened with the mall way back when I was in high school. Mother and I went to the opening. It was a zoo! There was barely room to move a cart without hitting someone. Lines at the checkout stands ran up the grocery aisles from the front of the store back to the meat counters along the back wall, making it nearly impossible to browse the shelves. Prices are high, even for Hawaii. Although some local farms are represented, most of the produce and fish comes from California. We shopped for 40 minutes, then waited 40 minutes in the check-out line.
I've been having second thoughts about leaving my dad home alone. Over the last week he's been doing some things that would benefit from monitoring. Like trying to make telephone calls. Like trying to find his car, which he variously says is on Kauai (some 90 miles from Oahu) or lost in an unspecified parking lot. Like the day we came home and found him putting on his shoes in preparation for running errands. Like trying to fix himself a meal, turning the stove on high and walking out. Like turning on a water faucet and leaving in running. Forever.
In her bitter moments Mother says, "He's the one who wants to stay here and take care of himself. Well, let him take care of himself."
Today when we came home from the market Daddy was sitting on the floor in the doorway to his bedroom. He did not have the strength to get himself up. He is large enough that I cannot lift him by myself, and he couldn't help me. "OK," says I. "It's time to call for help." He balked. "No, not yet." He ordered a straight chair. He asked for his cane, and for his walking poles. He thought about pulling himself up by the door frame. All good ideas, but no cigar. Not this time.
"Here are your choices," says I. "You sit here, or you let me call 911. The fire departments do this all the time. Fire assist, they call it, man down. It's part of their job." Ultimately, practicality won over pride. We called the fire department.
Afterward he commented on how good the firemen were. They treated him with respect. They checked to be sure there were no injuries that needed immediate attention, or signs of heart attack or stroke. They were gentle and caring. They did not drag him off to the hospital. It could have been worse. But we already have an appointment tomorrow with his primary care physician, so he is going to be re-checked. We are also going to talk about leaving him alone without supervision, in-home care vs. residential care, the level of residential care we should be considering, about adding a geriatric specialist to his roster of doctors, and possible medications to extend his lucid moments.
Yes, we have reached critical mass.
Look for the positives. He can afford to pay for care in a skilled nursing facility -- at least for several years. Even without long term care insurance. He may not like his choices, but he showed today that when the facts are laid out before him he can accept the inevitable. Give thanks. Keep praying ......
I've been having second thoughts about leaving my dad home alone. Over the last week he's been doing some things that would benefit from monitoring. Like trying to make telephone calls. Like trying to find his car, which he variously says is on Kauai (some 90 miles from Oahu) or lost in an unspecified parking lot. Like the day we came home and found him putting on his shoes in preparation for running errands. Like trying to fix himself a meal, turning the stove on high and walking out. Like turning on a water faucet and leaving in running. Forever.
In her bitter moments Mother says, "He's the one who wants to stay here and take care of himself. Well, let him take care of himself."
Today when we came home from the market Daddy was sitting on the floor in the doorway to his bedroom. He did not have the strength to get himself up. He is large enough that I cannot lift him by myself, and he couldn't help me. "OK," says I. "It's time to call for help." He balked. "No, not yet." He ordered a straight chair. He asked for his cane, and for his walking poles. He thought about pulling himself up by the door frame. All good ideas, but no cigar. Not this time.
"Here are your choices," says I. "You sit here, or you let me call 911. The fire departments do this all the time. Fire assist, they call it, man down. It's part of their job." Ultimately, practicality won over pride. We called the fire department.
Afterward he commented on how good the firemen were. They treated him with respect. They checked to be sure there were no injuries that needed immediate attention, or signs of heart attack or stroke. They were gentle and caring. They did not drag him off to the hospital. It could have been worse. But we already have an appointment tomorrow with his primary care physician, so he is going to be re-checked. We are also going to talk about leaving him alone without supervision, in-home care vs. residential care, the level of residential care we should be considering, about adding a geriatric specialist to his roster of doctors, and possible medications to extend his lucid moments.
Yes, we have reached critical mass.
Look for the positives. He can afford to pay for care in a skilled nursing facility -- at least for several years. Even without long term care insurance. He may not like his choices, but he showed today that when the facts are laid out before him he can accept the inevitable. Give thanks. Keep praying ......
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Little League and Trusts
Did any of you two or three faithful readers happen to see any of the Little League World Series last month? It ended the weekend before Labor Day with a spectacular game between the US champions and the International Champions -- Mexico and ... da-DAH!... Hawaii! The kids from Waipio hit well, but they were spectacular in the field. You've gotta' be proud when you watch any of the 11- and 12-year-olds from all over the world playing their hearts out in Williamsport PA for that week. They are all great ball players. Lots to be said for the coaches who get them there, too. And for the parents who put huge $$$ out there in equipment, uniforms, travel, coaching, etc. because they care about their kids. Not to mention the time commitment. Oh, yes, the series was in direct conflict with the Olympics. I almost missed it, and was specifically watching for it.
Ian and I dealt with our father's bank today. It turned out to be remarkably easy. Can't easily modify the credit card, so it will stay put. The fuel bills for the boat go there. Not much else. Don't have to take the card away from him. Added debit cards on the checking account for Ian and me because that's in the trust. Also rolled over the savings account, another piece of the trust. Over in the Investment Banking department, we initiated the process to direct deposit his annuity check. He needs authorize that, though. Two more accounts are already part of the trust, and will be restructured in the same way as the Checking and Savings accounts. We can keep his $$$ safe and his bills paid. Now if we can get him to give at least one of us access to his safety deposit box ....
He is getting instructions about his bodily functions (this one will be normal, that one will not) from some invisible entity. His words, "I got the message that this one will not be normal, but I felt that it was ...." I asked him who he was getting the message from, and the "invisible" part is his term.
Bought a package of super-absorbent Depends today. Hope we can get him to use them.
Look for the good. Laugh at yourself occasionally, just to keep life in perspective. Give thanks! Keep praying.
Ian and I dealt with our father's bank today. It turned out to be remarkably easy. Can't easily modify the credit card, so it will stay put. The fuel bills for the boat go there. Not much else. Don't have to take the card away from him. Added debit cards on the checking account for Ian and me because that's in the trust. Also rolled over the savings account, another piece of the trust. Over in the Investment Banking department, we initiated the process to direct deposit his annuity check. He needs authorize that, though. Two more accounts are already part of the trust, and will be restructured in the same way as the Checking and Savings accounts. We can keep his $$$ safe and his bills paid. Now if we can get him to give at least one of us access to his safety deposit box ....
He is getting instructions about his bodily functions (this one will be normal, that one will not) from some invisible entity. His words, "I got the message that this one will not be normal, but I felt that it was ...." I asked him who he was getting the message from, and the "invisible" part is his term.
Bought a package of super-absorbent Depends today. Hope we can get him to use them.
Look for the good. Laugh at yourself occasionally, just to keep life in perspective. Give thanks! Keep praying.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Loosing It
When Ray was ill, he was lucid and himself -- weak, but himself -- until just a week or two before his passing. Hard as it was, we had that time together. Others have gone quickly, without warning. Those who love them remember them as whole, healthy, normal -- right to the end. It's a reminder that we must part as we mean to go on, never knowing if that person who is so important in our lives will come home at the end of the day, or wake up in the morning. Let each parting reflect your love, your caring ....
I decided that it would be much harder to loose someone bit by bit, loose the person but still have the shell, the living body, to deal with long after the personality has left. Now I am watching it happen in my father. Last night, uncharacteristically, he sat in the living room, a blank look in his eyes, for 15 minutes or so after Mother went to bed. I asked him if he needed anything. He said no. A few minutes later I found him standing in the hallway, looking at a light switch. Two lamps were still burning in the living room. Again I asked if I could help. He said no, he was going upstairs to bed, but (with emphasis) needed to make sure the lights were out before he went up. I realized he was not in Hawaii. He was in his boyhood home, the house that his father built at 3718 Vista Street in Long Beach, California.
He started down the hall, away from his own room. I felt that he was heading for my room, where one light was burning. After all, I was still awake! He had also left the light on in the bathroom, and wondered aloud if it was occupied. It took considerable coaxing to get him turned around and aimed in the direction of his own bedroom. Then he decided he needed a shower before bed. I listed to the water running in the bathroom, then watched the light in his bedroom. Eventually I went to check, and found him asleep -- sheet pulling off all four corners of the bed, blanket (wool, at least 75 degrees in the house ...) carelessly thrown over his body. I tiptoed back to bed.
It was the end of a trying day. He wasn't really with us at breakfast or lunch. He came to the table to eat, then went immediately back to bed and to sleep. At dinner he turned down barbequed spare ribs, usually something he likes. He said he couldn't quite figure out what they were. In general, he eats green salads with tomato (but not cucumber or other crunchy additions), and soft foots that go down without much chewing. His dentures are spending most of their time in their little bowl of water in the bathroom. He eats anything sweet, but cannot open sealed containers, including those pesky chip bags. Hey, we've all been having trouble with those for years!
The time is fast approaching when we are going to have to find alternative care options. I was concerned about leaving him awake and untended last night, so deliberately stayed awake with the door to my room opened to make sure he didn't wander out of the house. He will be livid if we elect to move him, but this house is not capable of accommodating full time care givers with any degree of privacy for anyone. But the resources are out there to help us, and we are becoming more aware of them.
So -- look for the good. Give thanks. Keep praying .....
Mother
I decided that it would be much harder to loose someone bit by bit, loose the person but still have the shell, the living body, to deal with long after the personality has left. Now I am watching it happen in my father. Last night, uncharacteristically, he sat in the living room, a blank look in his eyes, for 15 minutes or so after Mother went to bed. I asked him if he needed anything. He said no. A few minutes later I found him standing in the hallway, looking at a light switch. Two lamps were still burning in the living room. Again I asked if I could help. He said no, he was going upstairs to bed, but (with emphasis) needed to make sure the lights were out before he went up. I realized he was not in Hawaii. He was in his boyhood home, the house that his father built at 3718 Vista Street in Long Beach, California.
He started down the hall, away from his own room. I felt that he was heading for my room, where one light was burning. After all, I was still awake! He had also left the light on in the bathroom, and wondered aloud if it was occupied. It took considerable coaxing to get him turned around and aimed in the direction of his own bedroom. Then he decided he needed a shower before bed. I listed to the water running in the bathroom, then watched the light in his bedroom. Eventually I went to check, and found him asleep -- sheet pulling off all four corners of the bed, blanket (wool, at least 75 degrees in the house ...) carelessly thrown over his body. I tiptoed back to bed.
It was the end of a trying day. He wasn't really with us at breakfast or lunch. He came to the table to eat, then went immediately back to bed and to sleep. At dinner he turned down barbequed spare ribs, usually something he likes. He said he couldn't quite figure out what they were. In general, he eats green salads with tomato (but not cucumber or other crunchy additions), and soft foots that go down without much chewing. His dentures are spending most of their time in their little bowl of water in the bathroom. He eats anything sweet, but cannot open sealed containers, including those pesky chip bags. Hey, we've all been having trouble with those for years!
The time is fast approaching when we are going to have to find alternative care options. I was concerned about leaving him awake and untended last night, so deliberately stayed awake with the door to my room opened to make sure he didn't wander out of the house. He will be livid if we elect to move him, but this house is not capable of accommodating full time care givers with any degree of privacy for anyone. But the resources are out there to help us, and we are becoming more aware of them.
So -- look for the good. Give thanks. Keep praying .....
Mother
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Small Pleasures
It's nice to take great pleasure in small things. Finishing a quilt for a special person. Birds in the garden. Birds who eat the fruit in the garden are not quite so pleasing. Birds at the beach. A phone conversation with a granddaughter or a good friend. Those are the things which have filled my day today. I found a Google Gadget today that adds a slide show to this website, so you can see some of those small things that bring pleasure. If you want a closer look, you can see them at Flickr.com. Look for the photostream belonging to TutuBonnie.
Today is my brother Ian's birthday. Suffice it to say he is 4 years younger! He leaves on Saturday for the Democratic National Convention where he is the official blogger for the State of Hawaii. Check his website, iLind.net, for his take on the whole event. Check here to find the blogger representing your home state, or pick bloggers at random to see different views of the events.
Keep looking for positives. Give thanks. Keep praying .....
Today is my brother Ian's birthday. Suffice it to say he is 4 years younger! He leaves on Saturday for the Democratic National Convention where he is the official blogger for the State of Hawaii. Check his website, iLind.net, for his take on the whole event. Check here to find the blogger representing your home state, or pick bloggers at random to see different views of the events.
Keep looking for positives. Give thanks. Keep praying .....
Monday, August 11, 2008
Time to Move???
My brother Ian and I visited one of the senior housing facilities here on Oahu -- Pohai Nani, operated by an arm of the Lutheran Church. It's in Kaneohe, on the opposite side of the island from Honolulu but relatively near Ian and Meda's home in Ka'a'awa. The setting is lovely. Think Pacific Estate -- or gracious southern plantation. There are lawns, gardens, tall trees, and all buildings but the tower (the main building) nestled inobtrusively among them. The apartments range from 350 sq ft studios to 850 sq ft 2-bedroom units, including 15 duplexes of 1-bedroom apartments spread over the grounds. In the public rooms there is lots of glass and light. This is the only facility on Oahu serving 3 meals dailty. Most include 2 meals daily, or in one case 30 meals per month, included in your monthly fee. There is a kitchenette in each unit -- refrigerator and 2-burner cooktop, you add toaster-oven and microwave if you want them. There is a full kitchen in the common area on each floor if you occasionally need more cooking space. Likewise the laundry. Sheets are changed weekly, and someone does light housekeeping twice weekly. Washers and dryers are on each floor for personal laundry. Pohai Nani has a long-term care unit, but not a memory (aka dementia/alzheimer's) unit. There is a small but well-put together library, and a community-operated bus making regular trips to Honolulu, Kailua and Kaneohe. A nice feature are the guest units, which guests of a resident can use up to 14 consecutive days for $95/night -- a rate that includes daily breakfast!
One Kalakaua has long been Mother's preference, but it is operated by a homeowner's association, with all the political prejudices and intrigues typical of homeowner associations everywhere. After living as a part of one for more than 30 years, I don't think I would want my life care decisions left to such a body. As one of the Honolulu papers pointed out several years ago, in this homeowner's association the average age of members is 85 years, all wealthy, none having much better to do than fuss about petty annoyances. It will be at the bottom of our list of places to visit.
Kahala Nui is in the neighborhood, just a mile up the road. They have a larger percentage of large units here -- both 2- and 3-bedrooms available. They advertise "You are never asked to leave", and include assisted living, long term care, and a memory unit as part of their facility. Of course, you pay extra for those services. Actually, Kahala Nui is practically a neighborhood in itself, but is very urban in character. It's quite a contrast with the look and feel of Pohai Nani. Here you buy your apartment, pay a very large monthly service fee in addition, and get 90% of your apartment cost back when you die or leave. Mother goes into sticker shock at the price. They would definitely have to sell this house to go there. Or at minimum, take a reverse mortgage.
The last alternative is home care. There is an outfit Ian found that does case management, including helping you hire and making your payroll, assuring that all the appropriate taxes and withholdings are paid. I don't know whether they can make this system work without live-in assistance. That's another pricey option ....
Ah, yes, the third option. Bonnie. Am I prepared to do this for an unlimited time? I don't know. I had intended for this to be a part-time deal, 6 months at a time. ...
Look for the good. Give thanks. Keep praying.
One Kalakaua has long been Mother's preference, but it is operated by a homeowner's association, with all the political prejudices and intrigues typical of homeowner associations everywhere. After living as a part of one for more than 30 years, I don't think I would want my life care decisions left to such a body. As one of the Honolulu papers pointed out several years ago, in this homeowner's association the average age of members is 85 years, all wealthy, none having much better to do than fuss about petty annoyances. It will be at the bottom of our list of places to visit.
Kahala Nui is in the neighborhood, just a mile up the road. They have a larger percentage of large units here -- both 2- and 3-bedrooms available. They advertise "You are never asked to leave", and include assisted living, long term care, and a memory unit as part of their facility. Of course, you pay extra for those services. Actually, Kahala Nui is practically a neighborhood in itself, but is very urban in character. It's quite a contrast with the look and feel of Pohai Nani. Here you buy your apartment, pay a very large monthly service fee in addition, and get 90% of your apartment cost back when you die or leave. Mother goes into sticker shock at the price. They would definitely have to sell this house to go there. Or at minimum, take a reverse mortgage.
The last alternative is home care. There is an outfit Ian found that does case management, including helping you hire and making your payroll, assuring that all the appropriate taxes and withholdings are paid. I don't know whether they can make this system work without live-in assistance. That's another pricey option ....
Ah, yes, the third option. Bonnie. Am I prepared to do this for an unlimited time? I don't know. I had intended for this to be a part-time deal, 6 months at a time. ...
Look for the good. Give thanks. Keep praying.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Mother's Day Off
Someone said to me yesterday, "You really need to take care of yourself. You need at least one day off every week when you only do things that please you." She was right -- to an extent. It's back to that taking-care-of-the-caretaker issue. But one important fact had escaped me. My mother is a caretaker, too. My father sold his business 9 years ago after he was hit by a bout of dizziness that nearly made it impossible for him to function, at least for a portion of the day. Mother has been caretaking ever since -- cooking, cleaning, shopping, and doing all the other tasks involved in running the house. Daddy has had some regular chores. The floors. His own laundry. The bathroom. Some of the yard work -- like the lawns. The dishes. The garbage. But the household functions because she is here. And she has taken on that role faithfully for all this time without recognition and without respite.
Yesterday she came to me in the morning and said, "This is one of those days when I really don't feel like cooking. Can you do dinner tonight?" She added that her arthritis was bothering her a little. Not a problem. I was supposed to cook dinner today, and we had all the components in place. Besides, this was easy. Fajitas. All done at the last minute. I had invested in a package of Fajita mix from Penzey's Spices specifically to bring here. Found some locally make tortillas. Made a salad. Added fresh mango for dessert. In retrospect, a fresh mango salsa might have been interesting.
I expected that if the arthritis was a problem she would have spent the day in her chair working on her genealogy. But what did my mother do? She spent the entire day in her garden. She repotted orchids. She putzed. She checked the status of everything in the back yard. She watered. She washed some of the pots handmade by Carey D. Miller, her University of Hawaii mentor. Miss Miller grew miniature orchids, hand crafted her pots, and created her own glazes to match the blooms that the plant in that particular pot would bear. She didn't come near her chair until late in the afternoon. In short, she allowed herself a respite day.
That, my friends, is progress. My control freak mother was able to let go of her responsibilities for the day and do what pleased her. If she can finally allow me to take on some of the responsibility, at least for the day, if we can allow this to happen on a regular basis, then we can eventually transition up to the next level of letting go even if I am not here.
Look for the good. Give thanks. Keep praying.
Yesterday she came to me in the morning and said, "This is one of those days when I really don't feel like cooking. Can you do dinner tonight?" She added that her arthritis was bothering her a little. Not a problem. I was supposed to cook dinner today, and we had all the components in place. Besides, this was easy. Fajitas. All done at the last minute. I had invested in a package of Fajita mix from Penzey's Spices specifically to bring here. Found some locally make tortillas. Made a salad. Added fresh mango for dessert. In retrospect, a fresh mango salsa might have been interesting.
I expected that if the arthritis was a problem she would have spent the day in her chair working on her genealogy. But what did my mother do? She spent the entire day in her garden. She repotted orchids. She putzed. She checked the status of everything in the back yard. She watered. She washed some of the pots handmade by Carey D. Miller, her University of Hawaii mentor. Miss Miller grew miniature orchids, hand crafted her pots, and created her own glazes to match the blooms that the plant in that particular pot would bear. She didn't come near her chair until late in the afternoon. In short, she allowed herself a respite day.
That, my friends, is progress. My control freak mother was able to let go of her responsibilities for the day and do what pleased her. If she can finally allow me to take on some of the responsibility, at least for the day, if we can allow this to happen on a regular basis, then we can eventually transition up to the next level of letting go even if I am not here.
Look for the good. Give thanks. Keep praying.
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